We’re off.

New Zealand, here we come!

Have we always traveled like this. Nope. There were many years our income, life-stage, and schedules would not allow this type of travel. Will we always be able to travel like this? Nope. We know we are in a short season where we can squeeze out longer trips; we are fully aware it won’t always be like this.

But have I always LOVED exploring and peeking around the next bend? YEP! I have always made concerted efforts to be in nature and play as much as I could. For many years, that meant loading high chairs, baby food, and pack-n-plays to set up in a tent. Sometimes it was nothing more that a weekend to visit my parents in Arneckeville and enjoying some country sunsets. Other seasons, it was transforming a simple trip to see Chris’ family into a Colorado vacation. Geesh, sometimes it was nothing more than camping in the backyard. If there’s a will, there’s a way.

Join me as we ruthlessly pursue delight in a world set to recklessly pursue misery. How about we all unite together on Team Delight and set our course for the beautiful, unknown path of joy?

Now boarding Flight “Let’s Go”!

I was on a hike a couple of years ago, listening to a podcast with a neuroscientist. At the end of the interview, the host asked the guest a final question to summarize the interview. The question went something like this, “What is one thing our listeners can do to keep their brains healthy and active over their life span.”

I can picture exactly where I was standing on the trail, the moment deeply marked by the simplicity and beauty of his words. The answer sent a jolt of energy rocketing down my spine, creating an electric feeling of YES, YES, YES, pulsating throughout my entire body.

His answer:

“Be in healthy relationships. Stay in healthy relationships.”

YES! YES! YES!

That’s the work I have committed my life to. I sit with people all day long, not to simply work through depression and anxiety, etc. I sit with people, listening to their sacred stories as they work to navigate the hurts and healings that come in and through relationships. They’re working for healthy relationships.

But I don’t just do relational work as a career. It’s the work of my life, too. Heck, it’s the work of all of our lives! To BE in healthy relationships and STAY in healthy relationships!

….and….speaking of staying….

I’ve been friends with this crazy crew of Aggie girls for over 35 years. We don’t all get together as often as we’d like, but when we do, watch out world! We are like Olympian conversational masters, listening and asking, asking and listening, with lots of laughter dumped in for good measure. We could win gold medals for deep conversations, if there were such a thing! We had a whirlwind 24 hours together last weekend and my heart continues to linger in the gratefulness of it all. I am so thankful for my friendship with these amazing women.

So how about we all commit to keeping our brains healthy and keep working at this relational thing, together?

One of the hardest things we can ever do it walk right back up to face what we fear. Head on.

I promise I will tell the full ocean storm story another time.

This picture depicts the moment I had to walk right back onto a boat I feared might have been the end for me.

When we have endured an overwhelming difficulty, or a tragic loss, or a frustrating setback, everything in our neurobiology screams at us, “DON’T DO IT!!! DON’T TAKE THE RISK! YOU WILL DIE IF YOU DO!”

You know the kind of moments I’m talking about…

• Stepping into the church building after your crippling season of doubt and hurt.

• Typing out a password on the dating app after a paltry desert hike through loneliness.

• Sitting in the dentist chair after that terrifying drilling sound three years ago..

• Opening your teenager’s door to apologize for overreacting.

The picture of me walking through the shallow water shows a moment in our recent wild camping trip to Costa Rica. We were on our way to a hike in one of the most bid-diverse ecosystems in the world, Corcovado National Park, when we encountered a relentless Pacific ocean storm. We were pummeled by waves and rain. After the harrowing nightmare, we arrived safely on the peninsula, completed our hike, but then we had to return to our original destination the same way we had come.

I had to get back on the boat.

Oh, I didn’t want to. My anxiety was high My fear was present. The dread was palpable.

Growth requires discomfort. It requires us to face our fear. The more fear dominates, the more territory it takes over. So the decision ultimately ends up being this: how much room will we allow fear to occupy. Fear is normal, it is natural. It has it’s place. However, in order to grow, we have to enter the dreaded territory of fear and say to it, “You are NOT as scary as you seem! You are not as REAL as you taunt me to believe.”

No matter what storm you are facing or what dread you are fearing, slow down and remind yourself you have what you need to face it. Facing it is absolutely the bravest thing you can do.

Hey there Soul Adventurer, walk back toward it. Pack up that fear and bring it with you. I’ve done it and I know you can do it as well.

There are thousands of ways to be brave. Wild camping in Costa Rica is only one very tiny way. (And maybe not even one of the wiser ways.)

It’s brave to move, to job hunt, to parent. It’s brave to crawl out of bed when you’re depressed to take a 5 minute walk. It’s brave to care for aging parents or to grieve your infertility.

It’s hard, but right, to talk to your boss about a hard issue. It takes guts to download a dating app or to delete one. It’s brave to foster. To adopt. Or to support those who do. It’s brave to grieve the loss of the dream you cared about.

It’s brave to love a pet or make a friend. It’s brave to take a deep breath when that stupid anxiety shows up (again). It’s brave to call a friend to say you miss them or stay up late to talk to your teenager. It’s brave to forgive or learn something new.

It takes bravery to stay calm with a tantrum-ing toddler. It’s brave to plan a trip with a friend or to be kind when you are angry. It’s courageous to get mammograms or a colonoscopy. It’s brave to bury someone you love.

It’s challenging to retire and start a new way of life. It takes courage to open a Bible that can be hard to understand. It’s brave to find your voice and say “no more” to a toxic relationship. It’s bold to go back to school in your 40’s or 50’s (or heck, 60’s!).

It’s brave to watch your kid pick up a basketball or baseball, earn a karate belt or blow a trumpet. It’s courageous to belly laugh with friends. It’s brave to stop comparing yourself to others, deciding to fully live YOUR beautiful life.

It takes bravery to be a step-parent. It’s brave to trust God. It can be brave to doubt. It’s courageous to ask for help. It takes boldness to completely change careers. It’s brave to feel the lonely feeling while reminding yourself you are not alone. It’s courageous to love the marginalized. It’s brave to garden.

It’s brave to get married or to be single, to face being widowed or divorced. It all can be hard, in different ways.

It’s brave to drive to chemo. It’s brave to face your past. It’s brave to babysit a grandchild or to show up for a recovery program. It’s brave to fail, again. It’s also brave to start again.

It’s brave to be alive AND live the life you’ve been given, the one right in front of you.

You are braver than you know.

God built the natural world to both give and receive. The earth receives rain and then bears fruit from that which the rain provides. God made our individual worlds to operate the same way. The natural world puts no judgments on receiving. Neither should we.

We judge ourselves as being weak or needy when we are in seasons of receiving, as if the sum total of who we are is about pouring out. We live in a culture incessantly screaming at us to be productive and get things done, as if that is the highest priority. But the spiritual, emotional, relational, physical worlds do not operate on a GIVE ONLY paradigm.

We must create and hold space for time, processing, reflection, sustenance.

I have been in a long season of receiving. And it has been hard. I’m not writing today to get popular or to become the next greatest show on earth. I’m writing because I finally feel like my time of receiving has turned the corner into a time of giving. I’m understanding the richness of giving away, sharing my honest struggles, and taking risks. I know I’m not done receiving. But I have learned what a beautiful teacher she can be and I’m learning to embrace her rather than judge her.

Listen to what Peter Scaazzero says. “Work FOR God that is not nourished by a deep interior life WITH God will eventually be contaminated. We cannot give what we do not possess. Doing for God in a way that is proportionate to our being with God is the only pathway to a pure heart and seeing God {Matt. 5:8}.”

Our family arrived battered and bruised when our moving trucks pulled in to Huntsville 9 years ago. We were working through a devastating job change, a house move, new community, new church, new jobs, scattered kids - none of which were on our “plan.” I had never felt so lost. Our teenage sons were struggling; I was grieving the first stage of empty-nesting. My new fledging career felt more like a firecracker dud than the fireworks display I expected after graduating with my masters. I wanted my old life back. It felt like I could reach out and touch it, but when I did, it was a mirage that disappeared on the horizon. I felt betrayed, confused, alone, cynical, angry, afraid.

I was in no place to give. I realize now it was my season to receive. Oh, but I TRIED giving!! I tried to teach college girls like I had done for years at our former church. I stood in front of them so disconnected from myself. I tried several other “things”. I signed up to do stuff out of guilt. Don’t hear me say people were pushing me to do things or were guilting me to say yes. We have been embraced by wonderful people since our move. It was ME trying to push myself too quickly to DO. To work. To perform. To be Christine again: the funny one, the surrounded by friends one, the busy one, the parenting 3 little Hoover kids one, cooking meals for college kids one, Bible teacher one, getting coffee at Stabucks with a friend one. But I couldn’t find her.

I needed to grieve, recover, be angry, experience the full weight of my losses, tend to my soul. And crazy enough, my new career as a therapist gave me the opportunity to do my own soul work. My courageous clients entered their stories of hurt with tenacity. Walking with them into their sacred spaces invited me to enter into my own story of loss, away from my therapy office. I could NOT take them places I did not have the courage to enter for myself. It was life-giving and it was the beginning of my long journey back. I went to counseling. I hashed out my anger, betrayal, hurt. Sometimes I even “went fetal” on my living room couch and I curled up with my soft blanket as I wept. I had to feel my loss, enter into the death, so that resurrection could come. And it does. It will.

I know many of you are hurting deeply right now. Deep wounds like cancer, divorce, death, children who are far from you, life transitions, betrayal, singleness, anxiety, depression. There is no perfect timetable telling us when our seasons of giving and receiving start and stop. But what if this wound is inviting you to tend more deeply to your soul? Take times of silence, solitude, time to reflect on your life.

Do you need to quit performing and receive right now? Or maybe you need to be brave and start giving again. You can know that God is asking you to soak up His unconditional love and that is the most important adventure of all. ♥

Nine years after a deep hurt sure seems like a long time, doesn’t it? But it took me grieving the loss of many things in my life and in the rebuilding process, I have finally come up from the ashes with more freedom and with new courage. I had to learn to enter that dark hole of pain and betrayal so I could go with others into that cavern and hold space for them to explore their own hurt and loss. I see now that it HAD to happen this way. I could not have said that 9 years ago. But before my own loss experience, I’m sure I would have just quoted scripture at people, secretly judged them for being overly-sensitive, or simply told them I would pray for them. Gosh, that makes me flinch thinking about it.

I didn’t just “wake up” and feel better one day. It has been many wake ups and lots of processing. But I’m realizing something new this morning about the “why now?” question of feeling healthier, both spiritually and emotionally.

For most of my life, I have been secretly afraid of these evil twins: 1) the need to be liked or 2) being completely ignored. Those are some scary twins, right??!!

So how do those evil twins keep us paralyzed? On one hand, needing to be liked is terrifying because we are then imprisoned to KEEPING people liking us. (Now that, honestly, sounds exhausting.) On the other hand, being ignored or not seen would stir up that fear we have of being insignificant or unimportant. Do you see the enslavement of both sides?? The tragedy??

Either way, those siblings have silenced me by causing me to care too much about other people’s response to me. But now, instead of them silencing me, I am silencing THEM by walking in faithfulness and “reclaiming my birthright giftedness” as Palmer Parker calls it. I LOVE THAT IDEA of birthright giftedness. The truth of embracing who God made you to be and walking in it; knowing your true God-woven-self and liking who you are INSTEAD of despising who you are.

In your place of self-condemnation, disgust with yourself, or falsely imposed guilt of who you think others say you should be, how much of your unique gifting is held back from being offered to your little slice of this world?

Don’t get me wrong. I still care waaaay to much about what you think of me right now. But I’m a little bit closer to caring more about what my Heavenly Father thinks of me, which I know for sure is not based on my performance. And I care about relating in freedom to others. We are in bondage when we let false guilt, or “I don’t want them to think __________ about me”, or when we try to please everyone all the time. We lose ourselves and forfeit that beautiful birthright in which we have been entrusted.

How about you silence those twins today, too? ♥

This old snapshot of Chris and me has always cracked me up AND amazed me! I promise you this: the ONLY part of this photo that was planned was the jumping off the deck part. Seriously. The rest, the freakishly matched hands and perfectly mimicked angles: TOTAL ACCIDENT! I still look at it, 8 years later with giggles and awe! We couldn’t have been that in-sync if we had tried. It was an accident. A fun one for sure, but it was unintentional. 

 {Prepare yourself for a VERY cheesy transition line.} 

Having soul companions is NOT an accident that we simply jump into and end up with perfect synchrony and connection. It takes time, work, and intentionality. It may be a cliche transition, but it is a truth that we can’t ignore! 

We often “have people” but still feel alone and isolated. We watch our friends gather with other friends on social media, or we feel like everyone else has go-to people, or we simply feel left out sometimes. Our brain was not wired to process all the relational information social media provides us: who did what with who and who all went where with who. Our brain is still wired for the old-school way of relating: face to face, person to person. It is a part of our design; God wired us to be in REAL community with Him and others, not to scroll through what community looks like via a set of pictures and a cute caption and call THAT friendship. Nothing wrong with scrolling. We all do. Ha ha - I’m writing ON social media. It simply cannot replace sitting around a meal or grabbing coffee, or laughing with flesh and blood people.

But it does take time. It takes open-ended conversations, vulnerability, and intentionality. We cannot stand on the sidelines and expect to have meaningful relationships. They take YOU doing some inviting. YOU turning the conversation to more soul-level conversations. It seems we want to jump off the deck and end up with a picture-perfect relationship.

Soul Adventurer, if this strikes a cord in you, spend some alone time with God and begin by relating to Him. Tell him how you are feeling and what your soul longs for. Then, take one tiny step. Reach out to someone. Seek to know their world. Be present. Listen. Pursue. Don’t expect it to be perfect, but at least jump off the deck.

Grace upon grace. It is a phrase of encouragement I repeat to my clients all day long in my job as a therapist. But truth be told, as much as I proclaim it to them, I am preaching to my own battered soul. I offer grace to others, but I have trouble leaning down to gather for myself that grace-based provision of daily manna off the dusty desert ground. 

Gathering up that manna represents a new spiritual practice for me: the practice of nurturing the younger version of me. 

I'll be 53 this year. I’m relishing the wisdom and slowness the fifties are bringing. The empty-nesting stage has provided ample opportunity to reflect on my 28 years of marriage, the early parenting years, my friendships, my family relationships, and my relationship with God. But those reflections can cause me to flinch sometimes! As intentional as I was and as pure as my motives were at the time, I cringe at some of the “younger me” moments.

What was the younger me doing, causing me now to wince? I abandoned my carefree, playful nature in favor of being an uptight Perfect Christian Mother who raised Perfect Christian Child 1, 2 and 3. I was so concerned with hiding God’s word in their hearts that I stuffed it down their throats. (Yes, every time they washed their sweet little elementary school hands they had to stare at James 4:8 I taped to the mirror: “Come near to God and He will draw near to you. WASH YOUR HANDS YOU SINNERS AND PURIFY YOUR HEARTS, YOU DOUBLE-MINDED.” You’re wincing with me, right?) I was more judgmental and anxious because my black and white, binary thinking convinced me to believe there was only ONE right way to do things. I was more obedience-demanding than connection-building, concerned more with how the kids behaved than how they might need to feel safe from my seething frustrations. My faith became embarrassingly formulaic. (“God, I will make the kids do their chores and memorize weekly scripture verses and you will make darn sure they will never rebel. God, I will serve you faithfully and you make sure I never have to suffer.”) 

When I envision that younger me, I want to fuss at her for being rigid. I want to roll my eyes at her for being judgy. I want to belittle her for her short sightedness in caring too deeply about what other people thought of her. But instead, I offer her grace. I nurture that younger me by accepting her and loving her. 

Because she is me. 

And God has spoken His unfailing and immeasurable love over me and nothing can separate me from that love. Not even the mistakes of the younger me. 

How do I nurture the younger me? Grace upon grace. I see the young-bride-me who wanted things to go her way every time and I tell her that her selfishness has been crucified with Christ. I tell the younger me she was parenting those 3 kids under 3 with incredible courage, despite her exhaustion. I watch old videos and tell her I am proud of her zeal and commitment, even though that zeal looks a bit like legalism to me now. 

Nurturing the younger version of me allows me to accept her, to love her, to forgive her, and to show her grace, because she was doing the very best she knew how to do at the time. Grace upon grace. It is the mantra that pulls ME out of a pit of shame, self-criticism, and judgment. When I make mistakes, when I look back and regret decisions, I whisper to myself the hope of the gospel of grace and mercy. Praise be to God we are constantly growing and changing (2 Cor. 3:18). 

We all are making mistakes as we go. Let’s look back more gently, okay? To nurture the younger version of ourselves, we MUST pay attention to what our internal voice sounds like. Does it sound like a friend or a foe? God is our defender, not our accuser! When you look back on your past failures, your flesh will be tempted to look back with words like “I’ve never been __________  enough (skinny, pretty, smart, educated, loved, brave). I was so stupid. I’m a failure. I’m an idiot. I’m worthless. I’m so ashamed. I’m too much.” Those are painful words of judgment.

Our reflections on our past must be marked by grace and compassion instead. Remember, it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance. (Rom. 2:4) Try changing the tone of your voice to a softer one, a more gentle one. Watch for accusatory words you are saying to yourself and change them to words of hope and forgiveness. And you can steal one of my very favorite tricks when shame is hunting you down: Imagine that younger version of you. While grinning, shrug both your shoulders, wink at her, and say out loud, “Well, she was doing the best she could at that moment and now, by the grace of God, she knows better so she can do better!” 

As we learn better, we do better. Grace upon grace. ♥

I used to get so frustrated with myself. I would get mad when I displayed another one of my “classic Christine” screw-ups: not responding in a timely way to someone who reached out to me, forgetting to write thank you notes, losing my temper over a trivial matter, lying to someone (to their face) because I didn’t have the courage to speak the truth, gossiping. I could go on and on. And the list could get darker and darker.

Several years back, I was especially annoyed with myself over these issues. I decided to prove to God that he was wasting his time on me because it was clear these flaws were not disappearing. I was supposed to be a “new creature”; I felt more like crappy creature than a transformed one. I sat myself down like an angry parent puts a toddler in a corner and wagged an accusatory finger at myself, demanding I make a list of all my perpetual sins and screws ups. It was a “look at what a very bad girl you are” exercise.

I wrote and wrote. The list was long. The more I wrote, the more miserable and angry I felt with myself. I had confessed all these before, but today this toxic list was overwhelming. I sat at the Starbucks table and I remember staring at that hopeless piece of paper. I knew God had it out for me and I was ready for Him to point HIS accusatory finger at me now.

I sat in silence for a bit. But instead of accusations, my heart felt invited to freedom. Not often have I felt something enter like this as truth into my depths. The paradoxical lightness of these words were whispered to my soul:

“I know about that list, Christine. I don’t care about that list the way you think I do. Have you not heard of my mercy?”

It was such a startling message, like a rainstorm on a hot summer’s evening. And as sure as I sit here today, His message of grace and mercy flooded me in that little corner of Starbucks. I had battered myself with frustration, impatience, and intolerance and I expected the same from God. I had choked down judgment and self-condemnation but my soul was truly thirsty for grace and mercy.

 I sat, pondering this reality. I thought of how many times in scripture people cried out to God, “Have mercy on me!” So what did this truth mean to me and my list?

What changed that day was the realization that God was not surprised or devastated by my list. I could not out-sin His grace. But I thought it was my job to stay perpetually frustrated with myself as my way of showing God that I was taking sin seriously. But he showed me that he wanted me to take His GRACE seriously. And crazy enough, that revelation helped those perpetual sins on “the list” actually show up less and less. It didn’t happen overnight. Change is always slow. With many back steps and new starts and stops. I began to be more gentle with myself when I blew it. I began to tell my soul to display grace and mercy to ME, just like God does. My emotional world became less chaotic without the screams of self-criticism.(Who operates well when they are being yelled at all the time, anyway??) I learned to listen better to the gentle promptings from the Holy Spirit. And I learned to confess my sin quickly and LET IT GO. I quit calling myself flawed identity names like lazy, stupid, idiot, lame, bad mom/wife. I let God convict me of sin while I stayed in my true identity as God’s beloved.

So, I ask you, “Have you heard of His mercy?” No more long list making like that for me. Anyone else out there ready to give up their list as well? ♥

“Grace is infinitely bigger than we imagine. Scarcely have we lost our way when God brings us back.” Paul Tournier

Exploring inside the the canyon walls of Zion National Park was like discovering endless displays of beautiful rock architecture. I love to explore wonders in nature but for years I ignored the exploration of my inner world. I would get angry when my kids showed any negative emotions, I felt guilty a lot, and I wore a shell of self-protection by avoiding vulnerability at all cost.

Recently I have come across the line from a poet named Rumi. I’ve been chewing on it for several weeks.

“If you are here unfaithfully with us, you’re causing terrible damage.”

One of the authors Parker Palmer who quoted this line, went on to say, “Self-care is never a selfish act; it is simply stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. If we are unfaithful to our true self, we will extract a price from others. We will make promises we cannot keep, build houses from flimsy stuff, conjure dreams that devolve into nightmares, and other people will suffer.”

Self-care is a phrase that causes many to scoff.  It gets labeled as selfishness or weakness, or something we will do “later.”

Let’s adventure in for a closer look. Any of these resonate?

• thinking you must ALWAYS put someone else’s needs before your own, yet your service is peppered with resentment, seething anger, bitterness

• letting false guilt drive you

• believing that what others think of you is more important than acting in your values

• exhausting yourself or silencing your own voice for fear you will disappoint someone

• allowing yourself to be perpetually demeaned, belittled, or taken advantage of by someone and not setting limits to protect yourself ~believing you HAVE to say yes every time you are asked for something

• ~ignoring or stuffing your own body’s warning signs that you are over-worked, over-stressed, and exhausted

Of course, this is not an exhaustive list. Just a starting point. Jesus asks us to serve and love others sacrificially and we are supernaturally empowered to do so! But we must remember that Jesus did not command us to ONLY love our neighbor, but AS WE love ourselves. And what we love, we take care of. Paul said in I Corinthians 4:2 “It is required of stewards that they be found trustworthy.” But we often assume the only things we are to steward are our resources, gifts, talents, etc. Let’s be found to be trustworthy stewards of who we are, okay?

How about stewarding your soul today with lavish and abundant grace so you can love others out of your spiritual and emotional health and not your desperate exhaustion? Explore the beauty of who God made you to be and let the peace of Christ rule in your heart.

Soul Adventurer, that is an adventure worth taking.♥