Grace upon grace. It is a phrase of encouragement I repeat to my clients all day long in my job as a therapist. But truth be told, as much as I proclaim it to them, I am preaching to my own battered soul. I offer grace to others, but I have trouble leaning down to gather for myself that grace-based provision of daily manna off the dusty desert ground. 

Gathering up that manna represents a new spiritual practice for me: the practice of nurturing the younger version of me. 

I'll be 53 this year. I’m relishing the wisdom and slowness the fifties are bringing. The empty-nesting stage has provided ample opportunity to reflect on my 28 years of marriage, the early parenting years, my friendships, my family relationships, and my relationship with God. But those reflections can cause me to flinch sometimes! As intentional as I was and as pure as my motives were at the time, I cringe at some of the “younger me” moments.

What was the younger me doing, causing me now to wince? I abandoned my carefree, playful nature in favor of being an uptight Perfect Christian Mother who raised Perfect Christian Child 1, 2 and 3. I was so concerned with hiding God’s word in their hearts that I stuffed it down their throats. (Yes, every time they washed their sweet little elementary school hands they had to stare at James 4:8 I taped to the mirror: “Come near to God and He will draw near to you. WASH YOUR HANDS YOU SINNERS AND PURIFY YOUR HEARTS, YOU DOUBLE-MINDED.” You’re wincing with me, right?) I was more judgmental and anxious because my black and white, binary thinking convinced me to believe there was only ONE right way to do things. I was more obedience-demanding than connection-building, concerned more with how the kids behaved than how they might need to feel safe from my seething frustrations. My faith became embarrassingly formulaic. (“God, I will make the kids do their chores and memorize weekly scripture verses and you will make darn sure they will never rebel. God, I will serve you faithfully and you make sure I never have to suffer.”) 

When I envision that younger me, I want to fuss at her for being rigid. I want to roll my eyes at her for being judgy. I want to belittle her for her short sightedness in caring too deeply about what other people thought of her. But instead, I offer her grace. I nurture that younger me by accepting her and loving her. 

Because she is me. 

And God has spoken His unfailing and immeasurable love over me and nothing can separate me from that love. Not even the mistakes of the younger me. 

How do I nurture the younger me? Grace upon grace. I see the young-bride-me who wanted things to go her way every time and I tell her that her selfishness has been crucified with Christ. I tell the younger me she was parenting those 3 kids under 3 with incredible courage, despite her exhaustion. I watch old videos and tell her I am proud of her zeal and commitment, even though that zeal looks a bit like legalism to me now. 

Nurturing the younger version of me allows me to accept her, to love her, to forgive her, and to show her grace, because she was doing the very best she knew how to do at the time. Grace upon grace. It is the mantra that pulls ME out of a pit of shame, self-criticism, and judgment. When I make mistakes, when I look back and regret decisions, I whisper to myself the hope of the gospel of grace and mercy. Praise be to God we are constantly growing and changing (2 Cor. 3:18). 

We all are making mistakes as we go. Let’s look back more gently, okay? To nurture the younger version of ourselves, we MUST pay attention to what our internal voice sounds like. Does it sound like a friend or a foe? God is our defender, not our accuser! When you look back on your past failures, your flesh will be tempted to look back with words like “I’ve never been __________  enough (skinny, pretty, smart, educated, loved, brave). I was so stupid. I’m a failure. I’m an idiot. I’m worthless. I’m so ashamed. I’m too much.” Those are painful words of judgment.

Our reflections on our past must be marked by grace and compassion instead. Remember, it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance. (Rom. 2:4) Try changing the tone of your voice to a softer one, a more gentle one. Watch for accusatory words you are saying to yourself and change them to words of hope and forgiveness. And you can steal one of my very favorite tricks when shame is hunting you down: Imagine that younger version of you. While grinning, shrug both your shoulders, wink at her, and say out loud, “Well, she was doing the best she could at that moment and now, by the grace of God, she knows better so she can do better!” 

As we learn better, we do better. Grace upon grace. ♥

I used to get so frustrated with myself. I would get mad when I displayed another one of my “classic Christine” screw-ups: not responding in a timely way to someone who reached out to me, forgetting to write thank you notes, losing my temper over a trivial matter, lying to someone (to their face) because I didn’t have the courage to speak the truth, gossiping. I could go on and on. And the list could get darker and darker.

Several years back, I was especially annoyed with myself over these issues. I decided to prove to God that he was wasting his time on me because it was clear these flaws were not disappearing. I was supposed to be a “new creature”; I felt more like crappy creature than a transformed one. I sat myself down like an angry parent puts a toddler in a corner and wagged an accusatory finger at myself, demanding I make a list of all my perpetual sins and screws ups. It was a “look at what a very bad girl you are” exercise.

I wrote and wrote. The list was long. The more I wrote, the more miserable and angry I felt with myself. I had confessed all these before, but today this toxic list was overwhelming. I sat at the Starbucks table and I remember staring at that hopeless piece of paper. I knew God had it out for me and I was ready for Him to point HIS accusatory finger at me now.

I sat in silence for a bit. But instead of accusations, my heart felt invited to freedom. Not often have I felt something enter like this as truth into my depths. The paradoxical lightness of these words were whispered to my soul:

“I know about that list, Christine. I don’t care about that list the way you think I do. Have you not heard of my mercy?”

It was such a startling message, like a rainstorm on a hot summer’s evening. And as sure as I sit here today, His message of grace and mercy flooded me in that little corner of Starbucks. I had battered myself with frustration, impatience, and intolerance and I expected the same from God. I had choked down judgment and self-condemnation but my soul was truly thirsty for grace and mercy.

 I sat, pondering this reality. I thought of how many times in scripture people cried out to God, “Have mercy on me!” So what did this truth mean to me and my list?

What changed that day was the realization that God was not surprised or devastated by my list. I could not out-sin His grace. But I thought it was my job to stay perpetually frustrated with myself as my way of showing God that I was taking sin seriously. But he showed me that he wanted me to take His GRACE seriously. And crazy enough, that revelation helped those perpetual sins on “the list” actually show up less and less. It didn’t happen overnight. Change is always slow. With many back steps and new starts and stops. I began to be more gentle with myself when I blew it. I began to tell my soul to display grace and mercy to ME, just like God does. My emotional world became less chaotic without the screams of self-criticism.(Who operates well when they are being yelled at all the time, anyway??) I learned to listen better to the gentle promptings from the Holy Spirit. And I learned to confess my sin quickly and LET IT GO. I quit calling myself flawed identity names like lazy, stupid, idiot, lame, bad mom/wife. I let God convict me of sin while I stayed in my true identity as God’s beloved.

So, I ask you, “Have you heard of His mercy?” No more long list making like that for me. Anyone else out there ready to give up their list as well? ♥

“Grace is infinitely bigger than we imagine. Scarcely have we lost our way when God brings us back.” Paul Tournier

Exploring inside the the canyon walls of Zion National Park was like discovering endless displays of beautiful rock architecture. I love to explore wonders in nature but for years I ignored the exploration of my inner world. I would get angry when my kids showed any negative emotions, I felt guilty a lot, and I wore a shell of self-protection by avoiding vulnerability at all cost.

Recently I have come across the line from a poet named Rumi. I’ve been chewing on it for several weeks.

“If you are here unfaithfully with us, you’re causing terrible damage.”

One of the authors Parker Palmer who quoted this line, went on to say, “Self-care is never a selfish act; it is simply stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. If we are unfaithful to our true self, we will extract a price from others. We will make promises we cannot keep, build houses from flimsy stuff, conjure dreams that devolve into nightmares, and other people will suffer.”

Self-care is a phrase that causes many to scoff.  It gets labeled as selfishness or weakness, or something we will do “later.”

Let’s adventure in for a closer look. Any of these resonate?

• thinking you must ALWAYS put someone else’s needs before your own, yet your service is peppered with resentment, seething anger, bitterness

• letting false guilt drive you

• believing that what others think of you is more important than acting in your values

• exhausting yourself or silencing your own voice for fear you will disappoint someone

• allowing yourself to be perpetually demeaned, belittled, or taken advantage of by someone and not setting limits to protect yourself ~believing you HAVE to say yes every time you are asked for something

• ~ignoring or stuffing your own body’s warning signs that you are over-worked, over-stressed, and exhausted

Of course, this is not an exhaustive list. Just a starting point. Jesus asks us to serve and love others sacrificially and we are supernaturally empowered to do so! But we must remember that Jesus did not command us to ONLY love our neighbor, but AS WE love ourselves. And what we love, we take care of. Paul said in I Corinthians 4:2 “It is required of stewards that they be found trustworthy.” But we often assume the only things we are to steward are our resources, gifts, talents, etc. Let’s be found to be trustworthy stewards of who we are, okay?

How about stewarding your soul today with lavish and abundant grace so you can love others out of your spiritual and emotional health and not your desperate exhaustion? Explore the beauty of who God made you to be and let the peace of Christ rule in your heart.

Soul Adventurer, that is an adventure worth taking.♥

It was our final night of the trip in a national park. (We would still have our travel home ahead, but this was the last night at one of the “big” stops.) I was doing all my regular campsite evening routines (putting away extra things in the bear box, boiling water to wash our faces and wash dishes, making the coffee for the next morning) when the unsolicited tears began. God had designed a nighttime display of pure beauty on this final evening. It was a cool, quiet night. A brilliant round moon silhouetted the Rocky Mountains, the dark blanketed sky was littered with stars. It was holy. Breathtaking. It felt like an incredibly divine, personal gift to us.

A sacred benediction.

The more I focused on the reality of these being the final routines of our final night, the heavier the tears fell. The more I grasped the perfect timing of this glorious nighttime display, the wetter my face became.

I have had surprising tears on this adventure: when we crossed the California state line, when I saw Half Dome at sunset, when the blue sky suddenly appeared, revealing the Grand Tetons. I have felt God’s lavish love for me in many small ways. But on this night, the tears were spilling over from a bucket drawn from a deeper well. When Chris realized I was crying, he walked over and I collapsed into his arms, sobbing. We embraced under the dark sky. We stood there, holding the month of memories, the experiences, the moment. I pulled myself together a bit and we sat on the picnic table, looking up at the sky in complete silence, tears continuing to fall.

As a therapist, I gently invite my clients to learn to be curious about what they feel and begin to name their emotions. Naming gives us understanding. Curiosity keeps us out of judgement and criticism of what we feel. I began to try to verbalize and practice curiosity in that moment. There was not ONE source for the emotion. It was a complex melting pot. I felt gratitude. Joy. Sadness. Awe. Delight. Love. And some uncertainty. The uncertainty seemed to be adding a messy piece to the puzzle, requiring me to lean in with a bit of patient curiosity.

The uncertainty I was feeling comes from some silly pressure I put on myself to come back with big revelations or clear answers about “stuff” in my life. I have been wrestling for a long time with my specific place/role in ministry and church life, along with a few foggy career aspirations. I have been caught in a philosophical/theological dilemma in my mind for the past several years and it has intensified recently. I feel caught, often held back because of it. I wanted God to “tell me exactly what to do” when I get back after the trip. But the Jesus I’ve grown to love doesn’t work in such tidy ways. He doesn’t always give us clear answers. This is why Hebrews tells us He is pleased with our faith. We have to stop acting like we can know exactly what God is telling us “to do” and make room for uncertainty. And wonder. And mystery.

On one of our hikes as Chris and I were teasing out my philosophical dilemma, I looked up at a brilliant display of beauty, and it hit me! GOD IS NOT STUCK in my dilemma! He is not caught in my either/or. He is not confused. So, if I live in His love and in His delight, I am free from this dilemma because He is free! He is not bound. I am not bound. This does not give me specific answers, but it takes away my fear of getting it wrong and sets me free to live in delight and wonder.

Back to the picnic table.

Back to our sacred benediction.

As I sat there, feeling this crazy cocktail of emotion, the beauty reminded me of the grandness of God. It reminded me that God is not stuck. I felt held. I felt uncertain, yet unafraid. And I felt gratitude in a way I had never before experienced. The well my emotional bucket had dipped down into was the infinite well of the love of God. It is the deepest of wells. It is wider. It is higher. It is longer. No one who cranks down their bucket into this well will come up empty. NO ONE. And one small splash of that water can set us all alive. And set us free.

You are free, dear one.

Dip your bucket into that well and you will find how beloved and loved you are.

Below are some book, video, and podcast recommendations. I will keep adding them as we continue to move through COVID-19. My blog post with my COVID- specific videos and resources can be found on the Blog/Resources page.

Anxiety and Depression

The Anxiety Cure

Dr. Caroline Leaf

The Dance of Fear

Try Softer

The Upward Spiral

Trauma

Waking the Tiger

The Body Keeps the Score

Suffering and the Heart of God

EMDR Therapy

relationships

The Dance of Connection

Boundaries

Brene Brown speaking on The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame

Allender Center Podcast

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and Emotionally Healthy Relationships

Dialectical Behavioral Workbook

In February, I had the absolute honor to sit with a dear friend, Amy McGee, to record a podcast on the topic of anxiety and stress for floral designers. This was a “pre-COVID-19” conversation, which of course means it feels like it was recorded YEARS ago! But it is astounding how our conversation seems even more applicable now that it did when we recorded in February.

It is hard to describe Amy McGee with one simple phrase; she defies a simplistic introduction. She is a respected and highly influential blogger in the floral industry, a fierce advocate (Pay it Forward), a nurturing soul, a vision-caster, a floral designer, host of a floral industry podcast, creative entrepreneur, a radical and inclusive lover of all people. She is all those things, plus I have the privilege off calling her a dear friend. My kids and Amy’s kids (well, they are all adults now!) grew up together and our hubbies are the best of friends. In a season of life when our family felt silenced and alone, Amy was our voice of truth. She moves into the lives of people with courage, beauty, and kindness.

Amy is a warm place to land when the world feels cold.

Find out more about Handling Anxiety

This conversation was recorded to address to issues of anxiety in the floral industry. Amy had some questions for me to help those in her field, but this 25 minute conversation is rich and applicable for ANYONE who has struggled with anxiety, no matter where you work or what your life looks like right now.

Click here to tune in to this life-giving conversation.

You can find more about Amy and her blog, Botanical Brouhaha, here.

BELOW ARE RESOURCES I DEVELOPED SPECIFICALLY FOR COPING AND DEALING WITH COVID-19.

I have linked the PDF of each resource, as well as the spontaneous (and unedited!) videos covering each topic.

• This sheet will help you work through the grief and loss of what was “normal” since the onset of the pandemic. The video explanation is here.

• Journal to the “future you” about what this experience has been like using the COVID-19 Time Capsule tool. Here is the link for that video on watching out for numbing behaviors as well as the need to reflect on what we may be learning during this time.

• We all have to change our expectations during this time. This sheet will walk you through how to lower expectations of what is “reasonable” during the pandemic.

• Social isolation, fear of illness, and economic uncertainties can take a toll on mental and emotional health. This tool is to help you maintain what I call Gritty Self-Care during the Coronavirus pandemic. Here is the link for the video for the above two resources.

• Two-part Zoom call by You Are Conference, talking through some of the ramifications of COVID-19. Part 1 and Part 2.

I hope you find these resources helpful! Let me know if you have any thoughts or feedback!

♥ Christine Hoover, MA, LPC, NCC

I had the privilege of being interviewed by Dr. Richard Rogers from University Heights Baptist Church recently, covering the topic of how COVID-19 is affecting family relationships and how the anxiety and uncertainity is affecting each of us.

The interview was edited to be a part of the Sunday morning live feed.

Our full interview is here.

Shutting your brain off can provide some rest in certain situations, but it’s just one of the seven forms of rest that help us to function as humans.

According to physician Saundra Dalton-Smith, M.D., author of Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Renew Your Sanity, humans need physical, mental, social, creative, emotional, spiritual, and sensory rest.

“Most people, when they think about rest, they have a very one-sided approach—they lounge around, don’t do anything, and think that’s what rest is,” Dalton-Smith tells Shine. “We try it, and then when we’re still rest-deprived we think it doesn’t work.” Molly Shea

Read more here about new ways to rest.

https://thepearlprojectcf.org/

Eye contact can be hard for children! And we often do this only when the chid is in trouble.

Build this skill by asking for eyes in a non-threatening and playful way. You should always try to get eye contact before you correct your child, but you should also ask for eyes in times of peace. Try this parenting challenge to create more connection in your parent-child relationship!